If Only, part 1
by AerynQ
Summary: Aeryn must deal with John's death.


If Only… (part 1)  
  
Author: AerynQ  
Feedback: carlottaq@hotmail.com   
Disclaimer: Farscape is the sci-fi channel's plaything. No copy write infringement intended..  
Author's Note: Yet another song story (my second). I think I need to get a life (or at least a hobby.).  
Thanks: Thanks to my Beta reader Aeryn Cale.  
Rating: PG   
Summery: Aeryn must deal with John's death.  
  
  
********  
  
Aeryn woke up drenched in sweat, tears threatening to escape from the corners of her eyes. She had had the dream again. It was always the same. She was on a commerce planet with John and D'Argo and then the shooting started. That much had really happened. In her dream she was always able to push John away just before the bullet drove through his head. Her dreams sweet ending however was a stark contrast to her reality. In real life she hadn't been there and John was dead.  
She violently wiped away the tears that were streaming down her cheeks, refusing to let herself cry. She had seen death before; this was nothing new. She closed her eyes and tried to force sleep. Wishing she could return to her dream world, live in it forever.   
When D'Argo had told her that John had been killed she had refused to believe him. She had searched the entire ship, expecting to find him somewhere, hiding. When she couldn't find him she had gone back to D'Argo, and demanded that he tell her where John was. She could still see the sad look in the Luxan's eyes as he told her for the second time that John was dead.  
Dead, forever gone. If only she had just been there she would have been able to save him, like in her dream. If only, she told herself, I had told him how I felt, how much I loved him, he… he what? Her love would not have kept him alive. Still, she wished she had told him while she had a chance, could tell him now.   
Aeryn jumped at the light knock on her door. For an instant she thought that it might be John but the voice outside informed her otherwise.  
"Common, Aeryn, you can't stay in there forever." Chiana called.  
"Go away." The door opened and Chiana walked in.   
"You should have known that wouldn't get rid of me." The Nibari said, sitting down at the edge of Aeryn's bed. Switching tactics Aeryn closed her eyes tightly choosing to ignore Chiana, until she got bored and left. Sighing Chiana ripped the blankets off of Aeryn, hoping to get Aeryn's attention. It worked.  
"Get out now tralk!" The former PK yelled, jumping out of bed.  
"Not until you talk to me." Her head twisted and her expression seemed to soften a little. "You haven't left your quarters for three days. We're getting worried about you."  
"Well, I assure you that your concern is misplaced."  
"I don't think so. I think you were in love with…"  
"Leave!"  
"No. He's dead Aeryn. You have to…"  
"I don't have to do anything." Aeryn tried to hit the Nibari, but she ducked quickly.   
"You're not doing anything! You haven't done everything!"  
"And why the frell do you care?" Chiana paused for a second, considering her answer.  
"Because you're my friend, Aeryn." Aeryn was silent, stunned by this admission. "I wanted to tell you that John's funeral is in Pilot's chamber in an arn." Aeryn nodded.  
"Go away." She whispered.   
"Talk to me." Chiana replied, her voice equally soft, "Crichton wouldn't like…"  
"Crichton is dead." Aeryn replied, not even looking at her. "I don't think…" but Chiana had already left, disgusted.  
********   
Aeryn did not attend John's funeral. She didn't think she could stand seeing his corpse, proof that his life was really over. She still hadn't left her quarters. Chiana hadn't bothered her again, but Zhaan had been in twice with food, which Aeryn had not touched.   
She paced around her quarters like an animal in a cage. Suddenly, no longer to bare her current surroundings, she left the room. She moved quickly through Moya's corridors hoping not to be seen by any of her fellow crewmembers. She was lucky; the halls were unusually devoid of activity, with the exception of a single DRD that seemed to be following her. Resisting the urge to kick the tiny machine she instead bent down to speak to it. If it was following her then that meant that Pilot was worried about her.  
"I'm fine Pilot. I don't need to be followed," Absently she touched the small shred of blue fabric tied around the DRD's eyestalk, a painful reminder of John. Finally, seeming satisfied, it sped off, leaving her alone again.   
Aeryn's heart skipped a beat as she entered John's quarters. Why had she come here? As she surveyed the room she couldn't help but think that it looked as if he still lived there, like he still lived. She rummaged through his drawers for a moment before finding what she was looking for, a small device that he used to record letters for his father. She pushed a button, hoping that it would be the one that would play his voice for her.  
She was lucky.  
"… I'm worried about her dad. If Pilot sees the video she's good as dead and…" She stopped the tape. It was all too much; she lay down on Crichton's bed and cried.   
  
  



End file.
